……….. was the sort of man that made you look twice, but you wouldn’t realize why you did it. At first glance, he was just- young, but ever weary with shadows under his eyes and skinny, to boot. But it was easy to stop and be mesmerized by his actions. He had a sort of fragile elegance to every movement and gesture that emphasized his slender limbs and gentle features. The hints and suggestions of bruises and bandages just itched the need to see what was hidden under his shirt. Of course, he always covered up what he could, but the glimpses of pale skin were maddening enough. Naturally, he didn’t realize the effect he had on the people around him.
Or at least, that was what —— thought.
Do you know it?
The joy of being loved by the person that you also love?
"Love"… a burden. A catalyst. The one factor that tosses everything else into chaos.
But, it is unmistakeable.
Love- of all sorts. The admiration of the student, the respect for the superior.
The bond between family, the loyalty of friends… And of course, that of lovers.
But I was starved and I never knew it. I was loved, and I was lusted for, but I was unable to return that affection; not the the degree that they wanted.
It had always been people coming to my own dark flame of charisma, but then finally, I saw a light that dragged me in. For once, I wanted that affection from a stranger.
The happiness that was granted to me when it was returned; I couldn’t have expected it. Perhaps- I had felt this before, but the years had gone by and my eyes had become more clear. This elation, though… Like stars, and resting in sunlight, with the thrill of feeling a gentle wind wrap itself around you.
I doomed myself, and I knew it. However, what monster would I become to give up the people around me…? They needed me, they called for me, so I tried to return the favor; I tried to teach them to reach out for me instead of expecting me to protect them at every call.
And then someone extended their hand out to me.
unedited December 20th, 2012
it might be dirty and unpolished, but this tarnished glow will remain for as long as i keep fighting.
But the will to keep continuing down a road that you built with your own desperate, bloody hands is more than enough to look ahead.
And then maybe, you’ll look back and think- that rough spot was worth it, after all?
Then rot in your own pit; but I won’t be satisfied with the festering ruins-! Why shut yourself in your own cage when you can seize the sky?
Look up, prisoner, you’ve got the key around your neck. Why treat it as a personal guillotine when you could hunt your own fate?
October 8th, 2012
a cold fury
a madness that only exists because you know that it is present
a quiet controlled catastrophe
that waits behind closed lips and a painted smile
should i do the world a favor?
October 3rd, 2012
i want to see you in this material world, feel your warmth under my hands and make sure that you’re here, with me
chasing neverland with my feet grounded
my ears are bleeding but all i want to hear is your voice on repeat
skin’s burning to just brush against that texture
i’ve been goaded into loving you; a wonderful and tragic experience
wishing to dream about our fabricated life, i want to see that lie
March 7th, 2010
I’ll take a ship and fly to beautiful wonderful places with gorgeous struggles and make new companions that I’ve earned!
I’ll leave this place and find my beautiful fantasy that I’ve worked hard to create, and clench my hands on your arm!
Let me escape this dreadful banal world and satiate my hunger! I CRAVE this DREAM, this novel, and scar me with the native struggles!
Alas, I am not a hero, nor a heroine. Only a side character that cannot manage much. And in the end, my hands close on air.
March 31st, 2010